My arch nemesis…. the Colonel 1


You know who I am talking about… THE Colonel. I didn’t think I would be defeated by him this day, but I was. In fact I was caught completely unawares. I would have prepared myself but there was no time. I left our office for lunch. We had spent some time in the test lab mocking up some RSMLT (Routed Split Multilink Trunking) links from core to distribution to edge, as well as did some other stuff that definitely makes our head swim. Our Nortel SE was in town so I thought “Hey, might as well go out with everyone and not worry so much about what I eat”. Low and behold as we are getting in the car I ask “Where are we going?”. “KFC” a co-worker replies. In that instant I get an excited and sinking feeling rushing at me all at once. I know what is in store…

We arrive and I step to the counter sheepishly looking at the ground, eyes not high enough to see the woman’s name tag let alone look into her eyes. I try to act like this transaction isn’t taking place. I pull out my money, handing it to the poor soul behind the counter, almost feeling as though it should be soaked with sweat or covered in dirt and some unknown white powder. I get my tray and move to the buffet eyes widening like a little boy at Christmas noticing a shiny red bike in the corner by the tree. I start at the salad bar. Anything here would make a most excellent appetizer, but my eyes spot the delicious parfait. Oh the creamy dessert! I can’t imagine how light and sweet it will be capping off my meal. I slide down, quickly piling my plate high. I get to the middle and I freeze. The potatoes… I can’t believe I forgot about the potatoes. I panic, eyes darting around, looking for some system of support that I am so severely in need of. I glance down, knowing what I am about to see. The gravy. TWO types. The brown gravy, oh the brown gravy. So dark, hearty, and robust. The country gravy! Oh the pain of seeing its fluffy, white, silken texture. I grow more unsettled. I cannot make this decision alone. I glance behind me at my coworkers looking for one of them to save me from this dilemma, but none of them can see my look of despair. No, they are too busy stacking their plates high with foods. My mind races, my sight grows blurry as a trail of color streaks in front of my vision. I quickly grab the employee walking behind the buffet by her blue polo, the official KFC employee uniform. I pull the shocked woman closer and shout… “Which do I choose! God dammit which do I choose!!!” Wide-eyed and mouth agape she says nothing. This startled hag is no use to me. I just have to pick one, and settle on coming back for the second. The corn. The hominy! Oh dear! What other glorious restaurant can you think of that has white hominy? Those flaky biscuits covered in those tiny packets of butter and honey. Delicious. And last but not least, the coup de gras. Yes, the chicken. I look at both, both are magnificent, but you know the one I want. Yes, the extra tasty crispy. No, I cannot settle for the simple batter of the original. I must have that crunch and the spice that bites back. A screaming voice in the back of my mind shouts, “The hot sauce, don’t forget the hot sauce, over by the soda machine”. I would not have even bothered with the napkins had they not been strategically been placed next to the hot sauce. I take my seat… and indulge.

I just got home from the gym where I severely punished myself for my powerlessness in the face of my foe. I guess that is a weakness of mine, from far away I have the resolve and determination to resist anything, but upon close encounter with what I crave… I crumble. You and your deep fried goodness have won this time dear sir, let me tell you something Mr. The Colonel. The reason you are but blocks from my home is because of the old addage “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. Looks like it is my move old man.

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One thought on “My arch nemesis…. the Colonel

  • Stacy

    I hope you picked the brown gravy, though, sadly, it is no longer quite the tasty goodness The Colonel had created. It is still damn fine. I guess they’re lucky no one was in your way as you seized upon the buffet. Someone could have gotten hurt. That sounds like every meal I encounter… But The Colonel is a sneaky bastard. “Not only is my food deliciously greasy and bad for you, you have no choice but to submit to its tasty charms.” You’ve put up a good fight, but it was only a matter of time before He came along. We’ve all been there. And we too have fallen.